Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Almost June

My dearest Georgie,

It is almost June, just a little over two months since you've been gone. Almost summer, and your mama is so sad these last three days--sadder than I've been a long time. I miss you so terribly. God has given me such peace about where you are, but this separation is so hard, so so hard. Mommy is finding it hard to get out of bed lately. I feel as if so many people have moved on, and expect me to, and I am stuck in time right now, like the world moves around me and I don't.

Why couldn't I have kept you a little while longer?

I am so grateful for the 9.5 months I had you inside me. You may not remember any of this in heaven, but you kept Mommy morning sick the whole time you were inside me. You also gave me terrible heartburn, and I just knew you'd have a lot of hair, and you did! You had such beautiful dark blonde hair, especially at the crown of your head and in the back. You had the most perfect face I have ever seen--so beautiful.

You loved fruit, especially watermelon and peaches. You also loved cream of wheat and yogurt. And cold ice water. You would have continued loving all these things if Mommy had been able to keep you longer.

You loved to dance in my belly. I remember the first time I felt your beautiful flutter, on a special Wednesday night in October. Your daddy started talking to me, and suddenly there you were. A beautiful little flutter that got stronger everyday.

You loved to kick on the left side of my belly. One time Quatro was lying next to me on the couch, and you kicked so hard he felt it! He looked at me in surprise and jumped off the couch!

You also loved to get your tiny little bottom squeezed under my ribcage. You had a tiny little bottom. Where did you get that from? Certainly not from me. :)

We had a few special nights near the end when I couldn't sleep. So I woke up, went downstairs and sat on the big chair and talked to you. I talked to you about all the great things we would do together, how happy you made me, how special you were.

We had such a wonderful Christmas together. You got so many presents! A stocking with an angel on it, full of fun little pink shoes, a little sippee cup, little onesies. You were given a beautiful little pink dress. A dress nobody ever gets to wear, a dress I will keep special in memory of you.

I am so thankful and so glad for your little life. If God told me He would rewind my life and give me the choice to go through this or not, I would still choose to go through it because I knew you, even for a little while. What a blessing and what a gift.

The first time I really saw your face, when you were born, oh I was so in love with you. My heart was so broken from falling in love with you so much, a deep deep love I never knew I could have. I am still in love with you, and wish so much you were here with me. My heart is still so broken.

I am so broken over your beautiful christening gown, which we never christened you in.

I am so broken over your beautiful gold shoes, which we buried you in. How is that possible?

I am so broken over your nursery full of your things. I cannot open the door, can barely look at it. How can I ever decide what to keep for you, what to use for another child? How can I ever make myself put it all away, or even open the door?

I am so broken over the joy we all felt, only to turn into the worst sorrow I could (n)ever have imagined.

I am so broken over my own sorrow, over my family's sorrow.

So broken, little one. Missing you so much.

I hope you feel my love from here. I hope God cleanses my love and strips away the sadness, confusion and bitterness that often surrounds it right now. I hope you feel nothing but the unimaginable devotion and joy I have about you, my special one.

So much love to you, my saint baby. So much love.


  1. I know so many of these feelings that you're talking about here. I want to tell you that I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

    Also, as far as the nursery full of things, and wondering what to do with all of it...just deal with it when/if you're ready. There's no reason to rush it, you can just be gentle with yourself and take your time.

    Lots of love and prayers!!!!!

  2. So super broken is a phrase I use often to describe where I am right now after losing Aiden. I definitely understand. It's so unfair that you have to know what this feels like.

    I pray for you peace today and I hope today is a little easier on you.....

    Sending lots of love....


  3. Am so so sorry little Georgie is not in your arms. I so well understand all that you wrote. I wish too, that God will take away the bitterness and leave you with just love &lot of love.