Saturday, June 4, 2011


I broke down in the grocery store today. Babies crying all around us, infant carriers, a little girl saying "Mommy" over and over in her grocery cart.

I couldn't handle it and just started bawling in the middle of the paper towel aisle, with Dave standing next to me and having no idea what to do. So out of the corner of my eye I saw him grab marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers as we rushed our way out of the store.

I love that man.

Is this to be my life forever? Am I going to constantly be triggered in this way? My heart actually hurts for the thought that I had this effect on someone when I was pregnant with Georgiana.

I pray to God the answer to these questions is "no." But I also realize that God's promises don't necessarily include a happy life on earth.

The rest of my life just seems like such a long time right now. And all I want is my girl. And I don't get her, not for a long time.

My soul is heavy.

I am trying to rest in the peace He gives, in the promise of heaven He gives to us. It's much easier said than done.  All I can do is pray, and have faith, and try to count my blessings right now.

Oh, on the side of "unblessings," that tooth that I had filled a couple of weeks ago? Yeah, probably need a root canal. I'm going to have to suck it up and go to the dentist on Monday for that.

So awesome.


  1. Oh my gosh, Katie!

    Root canal?! I'm so scared of those. My mother said she'd rather give birth again unmedicated than have another one of those. Of course she never gave birth to a still baby. I'd give birth unmedicated many times if it meant my baby would return.

    But that's another story and a total tangent.

    I understand what you mean. My entire day consists of dodging babies, mothers, pregnancies, anything children related... it's exhausting. And painful.

    I have thought about that before-- being the cause of another baby loss mother's sadness while pregnant-- but it really made me think about it as you typed here. I am so conscious now and will be if I'm ever given the chance to carry any more children. Gosh I sure hope so. I won't stop trying for that.

  2. Hi Katie - thanks for introducing yourself the other day when you commented on my blog. I'm sorry it's taken me a bit to get in touch with you.

    I just read this blog and I want you to know something - you life will NOT be like this forever. I promise. No, that doesn't mean you life won't forever be changed, because it has and will continue to be, and yes things will still trigger you when you don't expect them, but not always in the same way. Sometimes you'll get these triggers of love and happiness - moments where you see something, or nothing at all, and something just happens that makes you think of your sweet girl. Hang on to those moments. They will help you through the hard ones. And there WILL be more of them to come.

    Please let me know if there's anything I can do. I don't want to give you hope when you aren't ready for it - sometimes I'm not ready for it and it's almost been a year. We deserve to grieve and be angry and sad and devastated at anytime we damn well please! But in that 11+ months I have realized that it's very true that it doesn't get better, but does get easier.

    Ok, novel complete :)

    And I swear I have good dental hygiene but I have HORRIBLE teeth (my mom says I get it from her - thanks mom). Anyway, I've had 3 root canals. yes, three. It's a little sick. But NONE of them were that bad. Annoying yes, but not much more than a normal filling - just a bit longer of a procedure.

  3. Oh man I'm so sorry Katie. The things that bring out our grief they are everywhere and you never know when it's going to hit you. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that at the grocery store.


    I totally feel you on seeing other pregnant women and babies and strollers, and hearing crying.

    We were in Target yesterday and I saw a beautiful baby- maybe 2 months old with her mom and dad. And it mad me so sad......I'll never see Aiden that way. That chance is lost forever for me.

    Why me??? Why us??? Why do we have to feel this???

    I'm so sorry you had a rough day. Let me know if you need to chat.

    Thinking of you and your sweet Georgiana....


  4. It is sooo hard to be out in the world right now. Tiny babies are everywhere. I'm sending you peace and thinking of your sweet girl.

  5. Oh goodness...I have lost it in several stores, and restaurants, and at work, and...well, everywhere! One of my really bad ones was at Target though, I just couldn't pull myself together!

    I second what Caroline said, NO IT WILL NOT BE LIKE THIS FOREVER! So sorry that you're going through this, and that your soul is heavy. I know that feeling, and it's so tough.

    But I'm sending you lots of love and thinking of your beautiful girl! Lifting you up in prayer too!