I write this post and I look over at him on our Angelcare monitor (I will probably use that until he's 4, I know nobody here judges me) and I look at his beautiful little head full of soft golden hair. He is laying on his side, his chubby little hands clasped in front of him. And I just swell with love for this incredible gift, this little cherub child who dropped out of heaven and is with me every day.
How can we be SO lucky?
And we have a little brother on the way. So (WOW) so unexpected and unplanned, and yet so wanted. We know the greatest loss. We have nothing but sheer joy at the thought of another baby. I have seen two ultrasounds, and this little boy took me and his daddy quite by surprise, but I am thankful for yet another opportunity to parent a child. We are just about 14 weeks. So many things can still go wrong, and there is so far still to go. Still plenty of time for me to spiral into panic meltdowns, multiple times a day.
And I can't help but think that I am now carrying my third baby, and only entertaining the possibility of the second child to bring home. And I linger on the unfairness of it all, and allow myself to feel a little bit of the rage that still sits inside of me, and I feel a momentary chill that my first child is housed in a cemetery. And that is our lives.
I'll take the joy, though, and run with it as much as I can. It's all we can do.
Please pray for your family. This little one is so loved already. God oh God please let him come home with us.