Thursday, May 19, 2011

Two Months

Sunday marked two months without you.

It feels like an eternity and yet also feels like it was yesterday. The timelessness of grief.

I can still feel you in my arms, in my belly. I remember the last time you moved. I will always be able to remember exactly how, and where. And where I was. And how I felt.

I can still remember how your face felt against mine. Your beautiful, beautiful face. 

I still remember how I felt when I saw you, how my heart broke again and also burst with love for you. How I would have traded places with you, how I still would. 

A parent's love is so much like God's love.

I am reminded of the moment Jesus was crucified, and God turned away because even God Himself could not bear the pain of watching His own son die. I understand that pain.

As time passes, I think each morning that I am one step closer to my daughter in heaven, yet one step further away her little life here on this earth. Like many things right now, it comforts me and yet it pierces me. My sorrow is so deep that at times it chokes me and I can't imagine another day of this, much less many years.

Dave and I talked yesterday about what Georgie would have been like. He thinks she would have been really fun. I think she would have been really sweet. When she was inside me, I loved to talk to her and feel her move. I loved when her Daddy talked to her and she would move even more.

I am realizing that a huge part of me is gone--my heart, my soul. I am realizing I am not going to get it back, at least not this side of heaven. I do need to figure out how to function without that huge part of me. I imagine this is how someone feels when they lose a limb. The limb is never coming back, and the only thing to do is figure out how to function without it, how to compensate. This is how my heart feels now that Georgiana is gone.

Georgie, what would we have done together at two months old? I would have so many sweet and breathtaking moments with you, and now I won't. You are part of me, I am a part of you. I hope you feel my love where you are in heaven, that you look on your mommy and daddy and feel the immense and unconditional love we send to you. I pray for the day when I meet you at the gates of heaven and I am whole again. Love you, my little saint, Mama

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