What I've Learned (Part I)

I'm supposed to be studying for the bar right now. I've been studying for 5 weeks solid and I'm experiencing some major burnout.

I've spent the last 15 minutes thinking about the following.

1. I don't like Panera coffee. Not at all. Especially the Hazelnut. This is what happens when I get adventurous.
2. What exactly is a crime of moral turpitude?

I've also been watching a mom and her little boy eating lunch together. I would guess he's 3. He's got this gorgeous strawberry blonde hair, little boy khaki cargoes, and a slightly mischievous look on his face.

It's amazing to me how much more things hit me now that I have Davey. I've been watching them and thinking, I get to do this someday with my little boy. It's almost unbelievable sometimes that I have this little human I get to take care of everyday, who depends on me for everything. What an incredible and life-changing responsibility.

It even gets to the point lately where I tell my husband that nobody better EVER mess with my kid. I think these are mostly the PG hormones talking, and he seriously thinks I'm crazy. Ok, I do sound a little crazy, especially when I'm making these proclamations at 10 pm at night while having a hot flash in bed while he's reading next to me.

I think probably 50 times a day how cute my kid is, and how this beautiful, fun, laughing little child, who is so beyond my wildest dreams, with this perfect round little face and gorgeous smile could be mine. He is somehow SO much cuter than me or my husband, but I see little bits of both of us in him. But he is most definitely his own little person.

How you doin'?

The new thing lately is trying to figure out what will make him laugh. He loves to laugh, but he gets bored easily, and if I try the same thing several times in a row, it really doesn't work.

Last Saturday, I started tapping my fingers on the kitchen table when he was eating. This was so hilarious he was making that sucking-his-breath-in type laugh that nearly had me on the floor, I was laughing so hard at him.

I tried it again the next day.

No go. He just raised his eyebrow at me like, "really, mom?"

I'm perfectly willing to admit as well that my husband is funnier most of the time than I am. I tend to be a little more serious than Dave, and I think Davey picks up on my super neurotic vibes sometimes. So when I try to make him laugh, I get the raised eyebrow more often than not, while Daddy can do the exact same thing and send him rolling.

Which is why last night was so fun for me.

I walked into Davey's room while my husband was getting the bath ready for him. Davey was on his tummy and kept putting his head down on the mattress and popping up to look at me. I finally figured out what he was doing. When he popped his head back up the next time, I cried out "Peeky boo!" This sent him rolling in laughter. We did it another probably 30 times before he got in the bath, and he just laughed harder and harder each time. I was loving it. Then my husband started doing it to him, and Davey just looked at him like "seriously, dad? You're totally interrupting play time with mom right now!"

Every once in a while, mom is funny too!

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I've learned in the last few years since the tragic death of Georgie. None of these are brand new, and are probably spoken by most people who go through such things, but they're still pretty relevatory to me. I'm hoping that by reflecting on these things, I can remember to keep a thankful attitude and not get bogged down in things that really don't matter.

I've learned:

1. I really do love the small moments the most. Coffee on a Saturday morning, petting my dogs, watching my son and husband play with each other. These small things are what I remember. Now that Dave and I have to really watch our budget now that he's in a lower paying job that he loves and we have a baby and another on the way, I don't miss all the going out, dinners, extra stuff that we used to be able to buy all the time. These little moments are my favorite.

2. How excited I am about a life with my son. Every new moment is just enchanting to me, and I consider myself so damn lucky that we have him, and that it didn't take us long to conceive him, especially considering how completely sad and stressed we were at the time. I think I've gone through the worst, but then I think of others, those who can't conceive as easily, who lost their miracle baby that they conceived after years of trying, and it takes my breath away, it's just so heavy.

I've got more, but I've gotta get back to studying. Only 15 days until the exam, so I probably won't say hi again until afterwards. Wish me luck!!