Thursday, May 24, 2012

T-3 (give or take a few minutes) hours

It's 4:35 am. We have to be at the hospital at 5:45. I should be in the shower right now, but wanted to take a few minutes and remember how I feel in this moment.

I slept pretty fitfully last night, but I'm glad to have gotten any sleep at all. When I had imagined the night before, I figured I would have settled into a chair with my doppler all night long. As it was, I slept off and on, periodically checking his movement and heartbeat. I had odd dreams. Dreams that made me sad, where I was trying to explain to the L&D nurses that my daughter's name is spelled with one "n" and not 2.

By this time in my pregnancy, I had lived an entire life with my daughter in my mind and heart. I had pictured her running through the grass in a dress, 4 or 5 years old, with curly blond hair. I had pictured Saturday morning talk sessions lying in bed with her, like I used to do with my mom when I was a teenager.  I pictured watching her walk down the aisle to meet the man of her dreams for the rest of her life.

Then my heart was shattered, and that entire life of hers that I had lived in my heart was the only one I would ever see with her.

I have started to let myself think on this just this morning with my son. As I feel him move inside me, I'm starting to think this might really happen. That I might have a beautiful boy child to call my own, to call my son. That I will have a son when he is 2 years old cuddle with me and call me his mama. That I will have a smart, maybe quiet, thoughtful little boy, like his daddy, who sees the world around him and sees endless possibility in it, like me. That he will amble up to me as a gangly teenager and give me an awkward hug. That he will smile at me before he drops me off at my seat at his wedding, before he turns to wait for the woman of his dreams to meet him.

My heart is filled right now. With fear, yes. With some sadness for my girl. But also with joy.

All the emotions I have suppressed for this long and harrowing journey of carrying him are at the surface. I cannot wait to meet my son. This feels very different and separate from my time with Georgiana, and I am so grateful for it. I can feel her as she watches over us. I have asked her many times to take care of all of us, because we are afraid and we know that many things are out of our control.

Say prayers, everyone. Hope to see you on the other, happier side of this shortly.


  1. Many prayers and thoughts to you today - cannot wait for your next post.

    Thinking of you all, especially Georgie, as you welcome her brother into this world with more love than you ever thought possible.

  2. Thinking of you and your babies and wishing so hard that all goes well today.

  3. I'm so struck by the way I let myself imagine Eliza's whole life, too, and how I haven't allowed those ideas to enter my mind this time (easier, too, since we don't know the Deuce's gender). It feels too dangerous somehow. But it fills up my heart to hear that you're at the point where you can imagine this boy is yours to keep. My thoughts and prayers are with you as I look for your next update!

  4. Thoughts and prayers to you today...thinking of you!!!

  5. Hi Katie,

    You don't know me, but I'm Chris Wieczorek's wife from Catholic U, and we've been following your blog for quite some time now. I just wanted to thank you for being courageous enough to be real on your blog... I haven't gone through what you have, but you have taught me so much about what to do/not do, say/not say, etc. and how to be emphatic. We've been especially praying for your family in these past few weeks and we hope all goes well today! (I actually reminded Chris yesterday evening that today was the day.) I'm sure you have a lot of mixed emotions right now, and I just wanted to write today to let you know we're thinking of you!

    Take care,

  6. Anxiously awaiting the other side of this post...pray you are holding your son RIGHT NOW and that he's a voracious eater and beautiful and perfect and that you and your husband are overwhelmed with relief, joy and whatever other emotions so deservedly erupt.
    And I pray that I and others not far behind you can join in that same experience in the next few weeks. That you allowed yourself to envision life with him just hours before meeting him...there's something profound in that. A release, maybe, of all the tension and fear of the last months. An allowing of dreams to become Real, beginning in just a few hours.
    Thanks for sharing with us what that feels like.

  7. What a completely stressful pregnancy you made it through.

    Can't wait to see pictures of him...

  8. Hoping you have this sweet little man in your arms now. Thinking of you, and of Georgiana and your family. Best wishes momma!

  9. Hoping and waiting with you. May this day bring you love and joy. Good luck! I am thinking of you