In the last week or so, I feel as if I'm "functioning" better than I have in nearly three months. Unfortunately, the heartwrenching pain is still there, but I guess I am acting more like my old self, although I feel totally different.
My entire view of the world is so different. Not necessarily bad, perhaps more real? Half of my soul (with my daughter) has already gone to heaven and it looks like it will not come back.
My heart aches tonight for my husband in a way it hasn't until tonight, the eve of Father's Day.
I stood in the aisle at Target this afternoon, completely baffled by the Father's Day card selection.
Here are the card categories I saw:
- First Father's Day (hm...not so good, covered with rattles and bottles...)
- Father's Day for the expectant father (nope, we didn't quite make that one)
- Father's Day Funny (uh...no)
- Father's Day From Son (not yet...hopefully someday...saying a prayer as I type)
- Father's Day From Daughter (sigh)
Unfortunately there is no Father's Day card category of Father's Day for Bereaved Parents. I guess the card-making world doesn't expect you to buy a card for a bereaved father. Nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing really gives me away in the outside world as a mother except maybe my changed body, but strangers don't know that. Nothing gives Dave away in the world as a father.
But he is one.
So there I stood in Target, completely unable to decide on a card. Then a woman with a 9-month old little girl walked up next to me and exclaimed, "there are just so many to choose from!"
Not really, lady.
I finally decided on one from Georgiana with owls on it and one from me. For those of you who don't know, we decorated her nursery in owls. A snowy white owl (which I now sleep with, yes, true) is the first toy I bought for her.
This Father's Day, I am grateful for my incredible husband--strong, supportive, a beautiful soul. I thank God that He gave me such a wonderful partner to go through life's struggles with. I thank God that I am with a man with whom I made a child more beautiful than I ever could have imagined. I thank God for my husband, who made an angel with me, who loves me beyond what I have ever known, who would do anything for me.
I hope tomorrow that Dave feels Georgie's love from heaven. In the midst of my heavy heart, in the midst of my sorrow, I feel it. I am so blessed He gave her to me, even just for 9.5 months. She is the greatest gift I have ever been given.
Praise to you, my God. I don't understand your plans, but I have faith. Thank you for that. Thank you for my husband. Thank you for my daughter.
Happy Father's Day to all the good fathers I know, especially to those men who are fathers to saints in heaven.