Monday, February 6, 2012

The One Where I [Almost] Saved Her [Him]

I had a nightmare last night. If I mention that to the non-BLM world, the comment at this point is, "You're pregnant. Don't pregnant women always have crazy dreams?"

Alright, listen up, world that knows pregnancy but not baby loss: You want to talk about crazy dreams? Talk to a mommy who has lost a baby and is now pregnant after loss. Or even better. Just talk to a baby loss mama. You don't even need pregnancy thrown in there.

The dream world is interesting. In the beginning, I used to beg God to let me see visions of Georgiana in my dreams. I still long for that, but it doesn't seem that's going to happen anytime soon. Instead, my mind replays her death in my dreams. Either (1) I tell someone (usually urgently) that she died; or (2) she dies; or (3) she has just died and I am looking at her in her coffin.

I know. Fun.

Now that I'm pregnant, a lot of different elements tend to mesh together, and my dreams are a place where all my sorrow and fear come to the forefront to play out in scenarios. In my dream last night, it was a replay of what happened with Georgie, only different. I was in the hospital and my water had just broken and I was bleeding (this happened with Georgie, only after we found out she was gone). Only this time it didn't seem to be odd to me that I was bleeding. I kept saying to the doctor that we were going to save this one. I can only assume I was talking about the little baby boy currently growing inside me. At the end, I gave birth.

And at the end, I had no idea whether the baby (Georgiana or her brother? Not sure, the dream wasn't clear) lived or died.

I woke up to that. My heart started out heavy this morning.

I went to work and had an email from a friend from the BLM community. She had her rainbow baby. I was so happy about this. This is a woman who has tried for a living child for probably 8 years or so. She had several fertility issues, miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy, and then lost her little girl at 22 weeks. She has had a very hard road, and her little rainbow boy is just beautiful. My heart felt lighter.

I then received the news that another good friend of ours lost her baby boy this past weekend. He had several health issues that were diagnosed in the womb, so it wasn't necessarily a surprise, but you all know that really doesn't make a difference. My heart is so heavy for her and her husband. I just think back to where I was, almost a year ago, shattered in pieces and trying to find a dress for my daughter's funeral.

No words of wisdom from this post. Just a lot of sadness.


  1. Oh that is all so wrong. A dream with an unanswered ending. I am sorry to hear of your friend's baby boy. Just a lot of sadness.

    I hope tonight brings you peaceful dreams.

  2. That is heavy. And terrible. I've had a hard day as well. I haven't had many of those dreams, but they have happened. The blood and death and not necessarily the way I remember them happening with Andrew, either. Lucky us. Crazy pregnancy hormones + grief + PTSD and the like. It's really something special. :/

    I learned of so many fatalities today and not of the infant kind. Just people who died and their families will grieve them forever as well. It's sometimes too much to bear. When I hear such news, my heart literally starts to swell with emotion and it overflows with sadness.

  3. Oh goodness. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with stress and grief even in your dreams! It's so unfair to have to wake up feeling like you've been beaten down all night.

    It also seems like after you've lost a child, you're so so sensitive to other families who experience loss, maybe not even of a baby. I know of families who have recently lost children, my age, but they're their children and it shakes me.

    Praying for you!

  4. That's a rough dream- so sorry you had to deal with that. I had some really terrible dreams when I was pregnant with Mason as well. Nothing like the dreams I had with Aiden.

    It's hard to hear about loss. It seems like it's everywhere. And regardless of whether you expect it or not it's hard. I'm so sorry about your friend's baby boy.

    Thinking of you and your little guy....xoxo