Thursday, April 28, 2011

Darkness and Peace

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

Dave and I wallow in darkness. We have nightmares. My nightmares mostly consist of me grieving, as if I still grieve while asleep. Last night I dreamt that I broke everything that was breakable in my house out of my anger and frustration. Satan came to Dave in his nightmare and uttered lies to him.

I found myself at 3 in the morning telling the demons to leave my house in the name of Jesus, begging Jesus to protect us, to let us go back to sleep. We prayed to St. Michael the Archangel to help us fight.

I musingly think to myself that these are not signs that life is going our way right now.

If we know anything from Scripture, it is that evil is real. I see the battle for our souls as clear as day all around me right now.

But we do not belong to evil and never will. We belong to Christ.

Five years ago, when Dave and I were first falling in love, he told me he wanted to name his first daughter Georgiana. I told my mom one morning on the phone and it made her cry.

I love the sound of Georgiana's name. I love to see it, I love to think it. It runs in my heart like a neverending song.

But I love even more what her name means. Her name means one who tills the earth, one who sows seeds.

Jesus tells the parable of the sower in the Gospels. He tells those listening that the seed that fell on hard and rocky ground withered away, but the seed that fell on the fertile soil grew into beautiful and nourishing plants.

My daughter has sown the seeds of eternity in my heart and in my husband's heart. She has sown those seeds in her grandparents' hearts, her Nanny and Poppy, her Ya-Ya and her Papa.  I so badly ache to get to heaven now. My daughter's short and sweet life here on earth has watered my heart and my soul so that the seeds of eternity will grow and never falter. She will bring us to heaven simply because of how badly we want to see her and know her.

As my friend Maggie said, "she is our own special saint." She will bring us to heaven, to eternity with Jesus. We are part of her beautiful garden. What an incredibly powerful grace, what an incredibly powerful little girl! My daughter.

In my own human understanding here on this earth, I praise God for sparing my little one the kind of pain her daddy and I now have. I know a mother's love now, and am so glad that God opened up my heart in a whole new way I didn't even know existed. She fell asleep in her mother's love and woke up in her Father's love. She opened her eyes to the warmth and the glory of heaven. I think of the times in my life I have felt joy, and I know that is a tiny fraction of what I will feel in heaven when I am basked in the Father's love. The anticipation overwhelms me. I love that my daughter already knows this, that she is there with her Savior. More sure than my love for my husband, my love for my family, I am sure this is true. This is a thought in my heart the beauty of which I can barely express.

We live in a vale of tears, but only for a little while. Then we shall see Him face to face and our hearts will burst from the joy of it all. For now, I am thankful for all who love Georgiana, for all who miss her, for all who pray for her and pray for us.  I am thankful that I regard my face in the mirror now and I see traces of my little girl, that I look on my beloved husband's face and I see the same. I thank God for my family and my dear friends, who feel the pain of Georgiana's absence as I do. I am thankful she is in my heart, that she knows life more fully than even I.

God still gives me peace in darkness.

My dearest Georgiana, my star in the sky, my special saint, my daughter, how I love you. How we desperately miss you, it is as if part of me is gone. Please pray for us, please ask Mary to intercede, please ask Jesus to have His angels fight for us right now. We praise God and thank Him for your life, we thank Him that He gives you life now and cares for you. We eagerly await the day we will see you again. I will hold you for eternity and never let you go. Love you forever, Mama

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