Sunday, November 25, 2012

Empty and Full

Wow it has been such a long time.

I've been trolling around here and keeping up with my regular blogs, but really haven't posted lately. Most days, I tend to have a blog post or two rolling around in my head, but lose it by the time I think about actually sitting down and posting.

I look back on my life since May and simply marvel at how lucky and blessed I am to have my son. Somehow, on an early morning in May, a healthy, beautiful baby was born to me and my husband. Our  second child. Alive and breathing, and well. It takes my breath away when I think about it, how full and happy I feel actually getting to be his mama.

And existing alongside my full and happy heart is an emptiness that will always be there, I'm sure. I still have days where the grief hits me hard, but usually it only stays around for a little while, instead of days at a time. Of course, holidays are the big ones. But in the small moments too, and even sometimes when I see my son sleeping and an image of his sister comes to me. I think they would have looked pretty different with their eyes open. But they look very similar with their eyes closed, and the panic can rise before I even catch it.

I'm so thankful to my daughter for so many things, and they reveal themselves more and more. The whole everything happens for a reason line of thinking is total B.S., but I can still see some good from her death.

With Davey, every small thing is such a wonder and I find myself with a constant sense of gratitude. I can hope I would have been that way if we had lost Georgie, but if I'm being honest with myself, I'm not so sure. I don't take anything for granted with him. I relish each day, and all the experiences, even if it means most of my clothes end up with drool on them at the end of the day and having little baby fingers pulling at my hair.

Don't get me wrong. I'm worn out. Exhausted even, most days. Having a 6 month old and working full time (oh and did I mention I'm studying for another bar exam??) is super tiring. But at the same time that I'm so tired, I'm so happy. I was tired in 2011, too. Tired from grief, from anxiety, from lack of sleep since Georgie left us. Pregnant at the tail end of the year with Davey and completely fried. That's not necessarily a tired that I ever want to return to. The tired I feel now, it's simply wonderful.

Other goings on with us?? Since Davey, Dave took the bar here and got a job as an Asst District Attorney. He couldn't be happier. Life is full of being parents and working, and taking care of the house. I don't have much time for myself, and frankly, it makes me ecstatic. Caring for my child is so much more fulfilling than having hours and hours to myself. In 2011, if I could have rid myself of hours in a day, I would have. After she died, I just had hours and hours staring me in the face, and I could have just crawled in a hole and died myself.

I miss her lately. I feel her void strongly, perhaps even stronger sometimes now that Davey is here. But he also fills our world in a way that pushes the grief out to the edges sometimes, and I am so in love.

How could I have been such a miserable wreck during my pregnancy with him, and somehow he is so sublimely happy and easygoing all the time? It just goes to show, BLMs, don't let the rest of the world tell you to put on a happy face when you're absolutely terrified. It doesn't seem to matter!

Here's a few pics of the last few months. I'm going to try to be more regular about posting. Enjoy!

                            These are obviously in no particular order. This was a particular cheery Sunday
                                                                    morning in October.

 He was only about 4 weeks in this pic. I thought it was funny because he was so upset, then suddenly decided he wanted to yawn and stretch out.
 Ah gone are the days when he naps in the crib/bassinet. It's the swing or nothin', folks.
 Is it just me, or does this paci look absolutely ginormous? Wow he was so tiny!
Thanks to the beautiful bili light box (please God can none of my other children have jaundice?), he lost his umbilical cord approximately 6 days after coming home. He's been an innie ever since.

                                                                Baby feet. <3
                                                     He just couldn't get more perfect.

 Not sure what this look on his face is, but I love it. I laugh every time.
Cuddling with mama the afternoon of his baptism.

 Awkward hair coming in, hair falling out stage. Totally adorable.

 One of his first smiles. He thinks daddy is so funny.
 What's with that face? This kid knows how to contort his face like no other.
The family hanging out on a Friday night. The furbabies in the background.
Snoozing with his Ya Ya.
The meltdown face. Seriously, pick me up, like, RIGHT NOW.

 I dig the tummy time, but I'm not really so good at it yet.
 What??? Daddy passed the bar? Awesome!!

 This is every morning with Davey. Utter happiness. How did I have a kid that is a morning person??
 Hanging with Uncle Hunter.
 Helllooooo Ladies.
 Naked time!
 What's up, mom? Yeah, dad and I are just chillin'.

 I love this face.
 Davey's first Walk to Remember in Dallas!
 That's right. I'm a rainbow baby. Check out my awesome hoodie.
 Wow he loves this thing. And don't even come near him with the rainforest jumperoo. He likes the farm theme.
 Littlest pumpkin. October 2012.
 Bingley and Quatro looking bored.
 Cutest pooh bear ever! Halloween.
Ray of sunshine--a normal moment for Davey.


  1. OMG what a doll. (Uncle Hunter is pretty adorable too. I'm just saying...)

    Seriously though, I am so grateful for the way these babies light up our lives. Sometimes it makes the ache for their siblings even more intense--these little ones are so amazing, I long to know how amazingly different and gorgeous their big sisters would have been. But I always remember that nothing says we had to get lucky this time. And oh, lucky we are.

  2. He is such a doll... I totally agree with Brooke.

    Living these parallel lives will always be bittersweet, but at least we have some sweet. Because Lord knows we've been dealt a world of bitter. When B sleeps, I sometimes see Andrew in him as well. It startles us a bit because we never saw Andrew alive and those subconscious fears take hold.

    Thank goodness for rainbows.

  3. He's just wonderful. I'm so glad you all have each other. During the happy times, the sad, and everything in between.

  4. I love all the pictures. I'm so glad things are going so well for your family. That little boy is precious! It sounds like you are allllllll kinds of busy. I'm glad the UN busy time is filled with love. Yay for rainbow babies.

  5. Love all the pictures! He is so so beautiful! And I agree this tired is so much more welcomed than the tired that was there before. So very grateful for these sweet babies.

  6. Could he be any more precious?! Such a cutie pie!

    Thankful that he's here to help push that sadness out, even just a little.

    You're so right, this tired is blissful!

    Looking forward to more updates!

  7. He's absolutely adorable. Thanks for sharing such happy pictures & for sharing your heart.

    Good luck on the bar exam.