I actually had the best Sunday today that I've had in months.
Last Sunday was not the best. Dave and I went out to Georgiana's grave for the first time since her funeral. Georgie is buried in babyland, which is a smaller part of a bigger Catholic cemetery in OKC. I was very upset when I saw the state of babyland. Maybe I didn't notice it at the funeral. All things told, I wasn't noticing much at her funeral except her, me, Dave.
Back to babyland. The grass is dry, there are hardly any plants, or trees, and it's just...ugly. I'm not sure right now what I'm going to do about it, but I'm going to do something to make it much better. Not just for me and my baby girl, but for all the parents who have had to bury their sweet children there.
Onto today.
This weekend, our good friend Nick is in town. We went to mass today, had lunch, and then went and hung out at my parents' house. We played board games with my brothers and sisters, swam, and had a great dinner. It was a good day.
Do some of you notice though, that even on a good day, it's still not good anymore? I still feel so...tired, so worn down, so so sad, all the time. Even when I'm laughing, it sits there at the back of my mind.
Even good days feel bad most of the time, but I guess I'll take what I can get, which is better than four months ago. But there is a part of this, at my core, deep within, that doesn't get better, that feels the same that it did the second I learned my daughter had passed away. I don't know if this goes away. There are moments when it just all feels like too much.
But I keep on keeping on, because that's what you do, right?
I can't put my finger on that feeling either. Perhaps it's residual guilt? Sadness? Longing? All of the above?
ReplyDeleteAll I know is that when we are enjoying life or experiences, Andrew is never far from memory. Knowing he is not with me makes whatever experience I'm having less special and less good.
It may always be this way, but I hope we can find a balance of security in that. I hope.
I agree with your comment about there being moments about it just feeling like too much. I recently was feeling that way and shared with with my husband. And he turned to me and said something profound, yet really simple. He said, "it's a lot. But it's not too much" and he's right. Like you said, we just keep on keeping on. It's what we've got to do.
ReplyDeleteLots of love to you as you keep on.
I have certainly felt this way; the good things aren't as good as they used to be...But like you said, I'll take what I can get. Little Caroline is always on my mind, and I think what holds me back in those good moments is that I'm always going to miss her. Now, let me clarify...I WANT to miss her if I can't have her here, because missing her is keeping her alive in me, but it would sure have been sweet to just get to have her instead of having to miss her.
ReplyDeleteBut I think you're doing great. I'm sorry the cemetery didn't meet your expectations, that's really tough.
Praying for you as you keep on keeping on!