Distractions

I've been trying to keep myself distracted lately. Dave and I are still working through Friends, and our next plan is to watch The Borgias, which he got me for my birthday.

Most days I can keep my you-know-what together. Other days (mostly nights) I can get on what feels like the verge of a full blown panic attack.

Like the other night. I woke up at 3 am, convinced baby boy was gone. He had hardly moved the day before, so the panic had been building. I laid there for about an hour, going through all the scenarios in my head, steeling myself for the worst.

I decided to get out of bed and use the Doppler. The dogs came with me into the living room, I put the wand on my belly, and heard what I thought was his heartbeat.

I went back to bed and tried to will myself back to sleep. It didn't happen. I started to wonder if maybe the sound I heard was the placenta, or my blood flow, or worse, my heartbeat. I started Googling these sounds to try and figure out if I heard his heartbeat.

Suffice to say that I didn't go back to sleep until 7 am, only to wake back up at 8 am. Bleh.

SO I am trying to keep myself distracted. I'm sort of decorating the house we just moved into, although we don't have a lot of extra money, so that's a little limited. Another thing I've been doing is trying new recipes.

In the past couple of weeks, I've made

-chicken enchilada casserole
-Thai marinated steak salad (this one was delicious, I could eat it every day)
-dijon mustard chicken
-french toast
-BBQ chicken in the slow cooker
-spaghetti and meat sauce


I also eat a lot of this (though with turkey bacon):

It seems like it's all this kid wants to eat.

Other than that, my wonderful husband and sweet doggies Quatro and Bing try to keep me distracted too. Quatro (the little black and white one) has been my buddy for a long time. 

Bing is the sweetest dog I've ever known. He's a little shy with strangers, but all he wants is love and affection all the time. His body has some genetic issues which have made him a little more high maintenance than the average dog, but by the time we realized that about him, we already loved him, so sending him back to the breeder just wasn't an option.

Bing is also special to me because he came into our lives the same month Georgiana did--July 2010.  We bought him the week before I found out I was pregnant, though it's very likely he and Georgie actually did show up in our lives during the same weekend, maybe even the same day! I've always called him Georgie's dog. I know he would have been a great companion to her. He used to lay in her nursery after she died, when even I couldn't go in. It just broke my heart. We also got both of their names from the same book, Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice (Bing is short for Bingley). He's connected to her. 

Living with sweet dogs like this tends to make me agree with C.S. Lewis's proposition that dogs also go to heaven. It seems to me that God made dogs just for us humans, and I love the thought of all of us together in heaven one day, with Georgie running and playing with her Bingley dog. 

So here are a couple of examples of what these sweet dogs have been doing lately to keep me distracted. The top video is an example of a nightly occurrence with these two. It's pretty hilarious, and it doesn't just happen in our bedroom. They chase each other all over the house. 

Enjoy!

And the second one, taken last night...

A Few of My Favorite Things

Today just felt hard. I'm frustrated and tired, and the end of May feels forever away.

This morning, I checked baby boy's heartbeat. All was well. My plan was to post the video, but of course by the end of the day I'd convinced myself something was wrong and I shouldn't post it.

I've now checked the heartbeat again.

Okay. Still there.

Still there. Still there.

And I really love this picture:

The Space of a Year

So much has been happening with me and Dave since I last posted.

In the middle of December, we moved into a new house! We are loving it. It is our first true home and I am just loving it. There are many things to do. (1) Get some new furniture; (2) Curtains; (3) Picture project for my hallway walls. It's a cozy, beautiful place, and it houses our little family of us and two dogs quite well.

Our Christmas had hard moments. My worst day was about 3 days after Christmas. Go figure. Christmas was hard too. I woke up that morning and just felt...flat and sad.  The anticipation I had always felt waking up on Christmas morning was gone. Who knows if it will come back? Probably with Georgiana's siblings. I hold onto to the hope of those future times during these quiet and often deeply sad days.

A little rainbow crept into our lives in September, unbeknownst to us. God knitted him inside of me and started a growing little life and a heartbeat. I found out, quite to my surprise, during an October OB visit where I was going to talk to the doc about "trying again." When the doctor told me, I had such a freakout that I (1) forgot to make my co-pay; (2) forgot that I had valet'd my car at the hospital; and (3) convinced myself, after leaving the doctor's office, that they obviously had taken the wrong urine sample and told me the wrong news. Never mind that I was 12 days overdue. So I immediately drove to Walgreens, bought a pregnancy test, used it in the Walgreens bathroom, and stared in shock as the word "Pregnant" popped up on the screen. I now had physical proof in hand.

We have slowly told the world. We are due at the beginning of June, but will schedule a c-section at the end of May. It's been hard. It's been wonderful. We have hope. And we have fear. And the two fight each other, in my heart and soul, every day. Some days feel impossible. Other days I am given more rest for my mind. Early in December, I contracted a horrible stomach flu that landed me in the ER, terrified. After telling the doctor our history, he ordered us an ultrasound and there on the screen was our dancing baby, looking like he was having a great time and not concerned at all about what was happening with us. It was kind of like a "chill out, mom!" kind of moment. Even I laughed, as sick and freaked out as I was.

So far, so good. We have made it past 2 good blood tests, a low progesterone scare, spotting (yes, I nearly lost my mind that week), and just the general panic that comes this time around. I broke down and bought a fetal doppler. The sound of his heartbeat is enough to sustain me for the day, usually. Baby is looking good, always active, always moving around like he is just loving life. I say he, and there is an indication he might be a he, but we'll find out for sure this Friday.

Hope remains. And blessings too. We are once again given a blessing from God that we do not deserve, and we pray pray pray that He lets us keep this one until old old age. The thought of having a little brother of Georgiana's fills me with a cautious joy. I know she had a hand in it. And I love and desperately miss my beautiful little saint in heaven.

I ask you all for prayers for this little one, for God's grace and protection. I am so happy (and terrified) to share the news with you all.

Here I am with my 18 week baby bump with Georgiana's beautiful Christmas tree we put up this year. All I can say is that I sustained Etsy this year with my ornament purchases for this lovely little tree. During a melancholy Christmas season, this tree made me happy. I'll post more on it later.