Plans and Panic

Well, plans are underway for my daughter's "first birthday in heaven" party. I am trying to stay on a more positive note with this, as I want it to be uplifting and not overwhelmingly sad. So, anything that makes me sad is not making the cut. That includes a birthday cake, anything that says first birthday (other than the invitation) and anything that should have been used and now can't be used because my daughter's gone.

But, that leaves room for a whole lot of things that we can use that don't make me so sad. I bought a beautiful glittery little spring-y green tree, and it will have ribbons, owl ornaments, bird ornaments, butterflies and all kinds of other wonderful things that are just my version of what I think heaven must look like for my little girl.

This makes me happy.

I'm also making a menu of foods I craved when pregnant with her. Since I'm now pregnant with her little brother, I have enough experience to know that it's not just pregnancy that made me crave those things, it was pregnancy with her. And so--her. And the foods she liked. This menu includes:

-grilled peach salad (I ate peaches by the pound when pregnant with her)
-chinese chicken salad (also craved this)
-bruschetta (tomatoes and basil, couldn't get enough)
-fruit salad (I could have lived on fruit alone with her)

And what party is complete without cupcakes and cake pops? These are just cute and girly, and I know she would have been. Well, she was.

I look at pictures of her brother in the womb and I realize how much she looked like a girl, and how much he looks like a boy. It really is amazing, even from so early on.

We are also having a memorial mass said for her, with some beautiful readings and beautiful musical selections. I'll share all this later.

In between planning for the party, which is Saturday morning, although her actual birthday is March 21, I also have serious bouts of panic.

Cue to last Sunday. We were at mass, and I realized I had barely felt little guy move for the entire hour. A little more time passed, and we found ourselves at L&D triage. I was on the verge of a full blown panic attack.

We hooked me up to the monitor, and suddenly he was moving. A lot. It sounded like thunder on the monitor every time he moved, and I relaxed a little more.

All I could think going in was "It's March. It's Sunday. I'm screwed."

Now, I'm not a jinxy kind of person, but talk to any BLM and it's really hard not to be, especially during the awful and cursed month of your baby's death. Did I also mention before that my grandfather died in his early 50s on March 20 of a brain aneurysm?

March 20, and March, has started to feel like a totally jinxed and screwy month for my family.

I remember my girl in this month, and am grateful for that, but otherwise I just want to fast foward and wake up April 1.

After everything was good at the ER (with a wonderful nurse, by the way, who will probably be receiving flowers from me in the next week) and we left, I was exhausted. But I immediately shifted back into birthday plans for Georgie.

Anybody else out there just totally spent?