That's a lame title for a post, but I can't think of anything else and I need to get myself dressed, out of bed, and to work.
Lately I have felt so much guilt about what happened. Like I should have known what was going on inside my body. I know that makes no sense at all but it's how I feel. And I am so sorry for my girl. She never had a chance. And I can't shake the feeling that I somehow should have known.
In other news, I had to go to the dentist again on Wed (third time in 3 wks) for the same tooth. Apparently my bite was way too high--they drilled on that for awhile to try and fix it again. They also told me my muscles are involuntarily clenching along my jawline. The endodontist asked me "Have you had any stress lately?"
Hah. Yeah, just a little.
So they may have to put a splint in my mouth. We'll see when I go back on Monday.
I have also become firmly convinced that I am now infertile and won't get pregnant. This is probably not true, as I have nothing to point to that would make it seem this way, but I am afraid of it nonetheless.
I miss my baby girl, so much sometimes that breathing seems impossible. Georgie-girl, I love you.
That secondary infertility thought, yeah... I've been there.
ReplyDeleteThe guilt, that too.
You aren't alone and it's all normal. Sometimes that's the only thing I've been able to hear.
I really wish and pray you get pregnant again soon and have a living baby. Don't feel guilty. There was nothing more we could do. Our babies would know.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing you should have known or done differently, but I think guilt is a feeling that intensifies with Motherhood. Just another affirmation of the wonderful mother you are. The day is sufficient unto itself, and of course you are worried about getting pregnant again. Most of us have obsessed about that at some point in our lives and I can't imagine how much more intense it must be for you. I miss Georgie-Girl too. Much love. Meezie
ReplyDeleteEverything you're feeling is completely normal and I too have been there. In the month between us losing Aiden and getting his autopsy report I TORTURED myself with every possible reason why it was my fault that he was gone. And then we found out the real reason and it wasn't my fault anymore......but the guilt never completely goes away. I should have know. I should have saved my son. What a horrible mother I am.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is you were and are an excellent mom. Your baby girl knows how much you love her. And she always will.
Praying for you to have a healthy pregnancy as soon as you are ready to try again.......
hugs mama
xoxo