Focusing

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." -Proverbs 3:5


I have to try to focus on what you were, what you are. I have to try to focus on your life in heaven, your joy, your peace. I try to focus on my precious time with you inside of me for a short, perfect 9.5 months.

I try not to focus on what will never be, at least in this life. It makes your mama too sad. But then your absence hits me like a tidal wave, and I focus on it anyway.

I see the sliver of light coming out from under your nursery room door, and I focus on it.

I think of the Halloween outfit your Ya-Ya gave you that you will never wear, and I focus on it.

I think that I will never breastfeed you, or teach you to walk, or teach you to say Daddy. I focus on it.

I look at my childbirth-ravaged body in the mirror as I go to take a shower, and I focus on it.

I know God has plans and hope for me beyond my wildest dreams. I cling to that. Up until this point, the love of my life and my wildest dream was you, my dearest Georgiana. You are the love of my life.

That is what the wall of your now empty nursery says: “Georgiana--A Dream Come True”

You were a dream come true, to all of us. But that dream was far too short, especially for me.

I have to hope that God has more in store for me, that He even has--joy and happiness--at some point.

I like to think of a couple of options for Heaven:

1. When I arrive there and meet you, my beautiful, perfect daughter, you’ll still be a baby. God will allow you to grow in heaven, in front of me, in front of all of us who love and miss you desperately. Then I won’t miss out, but my joy is just delayed right now. I like this thought.

or

2 Maybe you will be a little girl by then, a few years old. I can picture you. A thick head of honey blonde hair. Beautiful porcelain skin. Big deep blue eyes. Your perfect mouth. I will know you as a little girl, but God will give me all the memories, and in His perfect grace, make it as if I knew them all along. He will wipe every tear away when I finally get to meet you again. I will forget that I had sorrow. There will be just you and all those I love there with me.

I love you, my baby. I will miss you all the days of my life. You are my heaven. You are the promise for me. I look forward to that. Always, Mama